I've been following several other adoptive family blogs and a common discussion among adoptive parents is fielding the post adoptive questions. Where did you get them? What happened to their real mom? How much did it cost? Etc.
These posts have got me thinking. The general consensus I've read and heard from other adoptive parents is that they are happy to answer your questions, just not in front of the children. I think this will be particularly hard for me because I'm typically a pretty open book. I like to talk. (I'm sure you're shocked by this revelation!) My tendency is to share too much. So when it comes time to deal with my adopted children's stories, I'm going to have to really restrain myself. I don't want to make them uncomfortable or feel any different than they already will. It will definitely be a challenge for me.
I'd love to hear your input on this topic. What do you adoptive parents think is ok or not ok? What about those that haven't adopted? Do you have opinions or thoughts on this subject?
I hope that one day soon we will be figuring this all out first hand, but for now we're reading, talking, and praying.
Please continue to pray with us and for us. Our children are out there somewhere without us. We are ready to bring them home and begin life as a whole family. The waiting game is hard on us and I can only imagine how difficult it is for them.
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Liam's birthday is tomorrow. I was talking with him today and teasing him about not letting him turn 5 because I like 4 year olds so much. He replied, "well then I guess we need to adopt a 4 year old!"
Our crew
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Monday, April 14, 2014
On Faith and Why some still disagree with our decision
I know there are some out there that still don't get why we are taking this on. Answering a calling isn't enough. Why would we do this when we already have a hand full of children. Why now and not later? Or those that support the idea of adoption and think it's a noble or ambitious thing to do, but that we in particular shouldn't be doing it because of the aforementioned children we already have. Someone that barely knows us said, "you must have a lot of faith to be doing this." I didn't know exactly how they meant that, but my answer is "yes."
Adopting does take faith. Lots of faith. It takes faith for God to adopt us as His children. It takes faith in knowing what's important to God and how we should make those things important to us. We are told:
In 2012 there were 101,719 orphans in foster care in the US waiting to be adopted. In 2012, 23,439 children aged out of foster care, entering their adult life with no parents, no help. There were 52.039 adoptions in 2012. There are an estimated 17.8 MILLION orphans world wide. I can't help them all, but I can help one...or two...or three.
I think every Christian I've talked to about adoption says that they would instantly take a child (infant) that was laid in their lap. If it meant stopping one abortion, they would absolutely take that child and save their life. And I admit, I thought the same too. I thought that some day God would place a child in my path in this way. But then I thought again. There are thousands of children, right here in the state of Texas, whose birth parents did choose life but due to so many other reasons, can't or don't love and care for those children now. (I encourage you to read this post. Really. Go read it.) God doesn't call us to only care for infant orphans.
It will be hard. These kids are coming from seriously messed up places. They'll have baggage. They'll still be hurting. And their lives will never be "normal" because of their history. But we can bring them into our fold. Love them. Raise them in a Christian home. Give them a future to help overcome their past.
My comfort this week has been this verse.
Another concern that has been voiced is the money aspect of taking in more kids. "How will you pay for it?" "How will you pay for college?" etc. The answer to these questions and others like them is, "With sacrifice, with joy and thanksgiving." Even the most financially secure person has hardships, surprises, and challenges. But we are at peace with where we are financially and what our future looks like from our vantage point. We will cut back on this to pay for that. We won't go on big vacations so that we can afford private education. We don't have to pay for college and likely won't. We'll do the same things most big families do: hand me downs, share everything, not eat fancy foods all the time, not eat out often, drive used vehicles, and so on. We are willing to make the sacrifices it takes to raise and love more kids. Earthly possessions and experiences aren't what matter. Eternal life and salvation are.
And if you still doubt our ability to do this, think about this. You may not know our financial situation, but our adoption agency does. They know our numbers, nothing held back, and they still say we can reasonably take in up to three more children. They have experience in this and they've said we're fine.
Another concern comes from people who don't have large families. This is a question we get all the time anyway with five kids and we got it every time we announced a pregnancy. "How can you manage so many people and stay sane?" I'll say this, not everyone can. I've always thought that having a large family is a calling. Not every couple manages children the same. Some are completely overwhelmed by two, or five, or fifteen. I think personality has a huge role in this. But also, big families just operate differently than small or average size families. That's not a bad thing. My kids certainly know that they are loved. They have my attention when they need it. They are each a very important part of our family and add something special to our whole. And each adopted child will have all the joys and privileges of being part of this family.
If only the wealthy adopted we'd have an even bigger orphan problem. If only those without children adopted, we'd have a bigger problem. Sure, wealthy people with no children can give an adopted child everything. They can buy them anything they want, take them on trips, never require anything of them. But if you could ask an orphaned child what they long for, what do you think they would say?
We have been blessed by so many supportive friends and family members. I know that when we bring more children into our home, they will be loved and embraced by our community. These kids will have more than two parents and siblings that love them and are part of their lives. Their little worlds will be changed.
Those few unsupportive people make it difficult though. They make an already difficult situation harder. But we still have great joy in the Lord as we seek to live out His gospel through adoption. I wish that everyone could see our hearts and know what drives us. But ultimately that doesn't matter.
We don't adopt because we want more kids.
We do want more kids, but that's not the driving force.
We don't adopt because we think it's a nice thing to do.
It is nice, but that's not why.
We don't adopt because we will be the best parents in the world.
We adopt because HE is the best parent and HE adopted us.
We adopt because of the gospel.
Adopting does take faith. Lots of faith. It takes faith for God to adopt us as His children. It takes faith in knowing what's important to God and how we should make those things important to us. We are told:
correct oppression and bring justice to the fatherless. Is. 1:16-17
give justice to the weak and fatherless. Ps. 82:1
He sets the lonely in families. Ps. 68:6
He is father to the fatherless. Ps. 68:5This is the faith that we are living through adoption. Our adoption, passed down to the next generation. We don't need to wait to be faithful.
In 2012 there were 101,719 orphans in foster care in the US waiting to be adopted. In 2012, 23,439 children aged out of foster care, entering their adult life with no parents, no help. There were 52.039 adoptions in 2012. There are an estimated 17.8 MILLION orphans world wide. I can't help them all, but I can help one...or two...or three.
I think every Christian I've talked to about adoption says that they would instantly take a child (infant) that was laid in their lap. If it meant stopping one abortion, they would absolutely take that child and save their life. And I admit, I thought the same too. I thought that some day God would place a child in my path in this way. But then I thought again. There are thousands of children, right here in the state of Texas, whose birth parents did choose life but due to so many other reasons, can't or don't love and care for those children now. (I encourage you to read this post. Really. Go read it.) God doesn't call us to only care for infant orphans.
It will be hard. These kids are coming from seriously messed up places. They'll have baggage. They'll still be hurting. And their lives will never be "normal" because of their history. But we can bring them into our fold. Love them. Raise them in a Christian home. Give them a future to help overcome their past.
My comfort this week has been this verse.
God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way to escape also, that you may be able to endure it. I Cor. 10:13b
Another concern that has been voiced is the money aspect of taking in more kids. "How will you pay for it?" "How will you pay for college?" etc. The answer to these questions and others like them is, "With sacrifice, with joy and thanksgiving." Even the most financially secure person has hardships, surprises, and challenges. But we are at peace with where we are financially and what our future looks like from our vantage point. We will cut back on this to pay for that. We won't go on big vacations so that we can afford private education. We don't have to pay for college and likely won't. We'll do the same things most big families do: hand me downs, share everything, not eat fancy foods all the time, not eat out often, drive used vehicles, and so on. We are willing to make the sacrifices it takes to raise and love more kids. Earthly possessions and experiences aren't what matter. Eternal life and salvation are.
And if you still doubt our ability to do this, think about this. You may not know our financial situation, but our adoption agency does. They know our numbers, nothing held back, and they still say we can reasonably take in up to three more children. They have experience in this and they've said we're fine.
Another concern comes from people who don't have large families. This is a question we get all the time anyway with five kids and we got it every time we announced a pregnancy. "How can you manage so many people and stay sane?" I'll say this, not everyone can. I've always thought that having a large family is a calling. Not every couple manages children the same. Some are completely overwhelmed by two, or five, or fifteen. I think personality has a huge role in this. But also, big families just operate differently than small or average size families. That's not a bad thing. My kids certainly know that they are loved. They have my attention when they need it. They are each a very important part of our family and add something special to our whole. And each adopted child will have all the joys and privileges of being part of this family.
If only the wealthy adopted we'd have an even bigger orphan problem. If only those without children adopted, we'd have a bigger problem. Sure, wealthy people with no children can give an adopted child everything. They can buy them anything they want, take them on trips, never require anything of them. But if you could ask an orphaned child what they long for, what do you think they would say?
We have been blessed by so many supportive friends and family members. I know that when we bring more children into our home, they will be loved and embraced by our community. These kids will have more than two parents and siblings that love them and are part of their lives. Their little worlds will be changed.
Those few unsupportive people make it difficult though. They make an already difficult situation harder. But we still have great joy in the Lord as we seek to live out His gospel through adoption. I wish that everyone could see our hearts and know what drives us. But ultimately that doesn't matter.
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. James 1:2-3
We don't adopt because we want more kids.
We do want more kids, but that's not the driving force.
We don't adopt because we think it's a nice thing to do.
It is nice, but that's not why.
We don't adopt because we will be the best parents in the world.
We adopt because HE is the best parent and HE adopted us.
We adopt because of the gospel.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
What's going on
Want to know what's going on in our little world? Not a whole lot. Or at least nothing huge. I'm trying to be a little more orderly in my day to day life. I even went so far as to create a daily schedule for me and the little ones. We haven't really stuck to it, but it gives us a place to look when we're bored. I'm also trying to be more intentional with one on one time with the kids. I know that when we do get an adoptive placement it's going to disrupt EVERYTHING so it would be nice if we already have a good routine to fall back into. I know that routine will be even more important for the future little Shipps.
Our current system is that each kid has their own day of the week. G is Monday, J is Tuesday, L is Wednesday, and M is Thursday. AM doesn't get one yet but she will when she starts noticing or when she moves out of the baby bed.
Privileges on each child's given day are:
* Sit by mama at dinner
* Say the prayer over dinner
* Run errands with a parent if they're happening that night
* Mom or dad snuggle in their bed for a few minutes chatting and visiting at bed time
I know it doesn't seem like much, but for now it makes a difference. Each child really looks forward to their own day. I also like having the weekends open since we tend to have people over on the weekends and I'm not as available at bed time, etc. I suppose when AM moves up and when we have more children that we'll have to double up and split some of those privileges a little. Even though we have a big-ish family, this little bit of one on one really makes a difference.
Another change we've made in anticipation of adoption is changing up discipline a little bit. Spanking is a taboo subject, so I won't go into that too much other than to say that when kids are in foster care you can't spank them. When we get a placement, the kids will still be considered to be in foster care until the adoption is finalized around 6 months later. So no spanking. And even once the adoption is consummated, that may not be the best idea anyway. It's also discouraged to spank biological children in front of the foster children (for obvious reasons). And we don't want to confuse anybody or make one child feel like they're different than the other. So this is where Daddy Dollars come in.
Another adoptive mom turned us on to this. It's a reward and consequence system. The kids earn daddy dollars for doing their daily chores. We often offer extras for extra chores or for helping a sibling. The kids that are in school also get daddy dollars for exceptional grades. They can also lose daddy dollars for disobedience, disrespect, bad attitude, etc. We even have one kiddo who constantly forgets to put his name on his school work (and loses points at school for it) and so we've started deducting daddy dollars for that too (a little extra incentive.) We typically pay out once a week. If any daddy dollars are owed though that is done immediately. They each keep up with their own dollars.
Roughly every two weeks the Mommy Market opens. (Catchy, isn't it?) The mommy market contains various things. We've currently got an assortment of dollar tree toys, decks of cards, batteries, candy, mechanical pencils and mini note pads. In the past we've also had things like gloves, fun socks, toy baby bottles, finger paint (bad idea!), erasers, nun-chucks (also a bad idea), and lego men. In addition to these items, we also have "gift certificates" for a dinner date with one parent, a movie date with one parent, and i-tunes credit. Prices vary on these items from 2 for 1 daddy dollar to 25 daddy dollars. Sometimes they spend it all and sometimes they save it up to buy a big ticket item. (And the prices may change at any time!) They all love going to the mommy market. It's exciting every time. They also have some input on what items we put in the mommy market. Sometimes they'll ask for something at the store and I can't just buy every little thing they want, but I can buy it and they can work for it.
I must admit, this system has been better for rewards than for discipline. That's my own fault though because I forget to take them away. I need to get more on top of that. (For those readers that don't know me, my kids range from 1.5 to 8. The youngest doesn't participate in this, but the 3 yr old does and loves it.)
You can make your own daddy dollars here in any denomination or type of money.
Our current system is that each kid has their own day of the week. G is Monday, J is Tuesday, L is Wednesday, and M is Thursday. AM doesn't get one yet but she will when she starts noticing or when she moves out of the baby bed.
Privileges on each child's given day are:
* Sit by mama at dinner
* Say the prayer over dinner
* Run errands with a parent if they're happening that night
* Mom or dad snuggle in their bed for a few minutes chatting and visiting at bed time
I know it doesn't seem like much, but for now it makes a difference. Each child really looks forward to their own day. I also like having the weekends open since we tend to have people over on the weekends and I'm not as available at bed time, etc. I suppose when AM moves up and when we have more children that we'll have to double up and split some of those privileges a little. Even though we have a big-ish family, this little bit of one on one really makes a difference.
Another change we've made in anticipation of adoption is changing up discipline a little bit. Spanking is a taboo subject, so I won't go into that too much other than to say that when kids are in foster care you can't spank them. When we get a placement, the kids will still be considered to be in foster care until the adoption is finalized around 6 months later. So no spanking. And even once the adoption is consummated, that may not be the best idea anyway. It's also discouraged to spank biological children in front of the foster children (for obvious reasons). And we don't want to confuse anybody or make one child feel like they're different than the other. So this is where Daddy Dollars come in.
Another adoptive mom turned us on to this. It's a reward and consequence system. The kids earn daddy dollars for doing their daily chores. We often offer extras for extra chores or for helping a sibling. The kids that are in school also get daddy dollars for exceptional grades. They can also lose daddy dollars for disobedience, disrespect, bad attitude, etc. We even have one kiddo who constantly forgets to put his name on his school work (and loses points at school for it) and so we've started deducting daddy dollars for that too (a little extra incentive.) We typically pay out once a week. If any daddy dollars are owed though that is done immediately. They each keep up with their own dollars.
Roughly every two weeks the Mommy Market opens. (Catchy, isn't it?) The mommy market contains various things. We've currently got an assortment of dollar tree toys, decks of cards, batteries, candy, mechanical pencils and mini note pads. In the past we've also had things like gloves, fun socks, toy baby bottles, finger paint (bad idea!), erasers, nun-chucks (also a bad idea), and lego men. In addition to these items, we also have "gift certificates" for a dinner date with one parent, a movie date with one parent, and i-tunes credit. Prices vary on these items from 2 for 1 daddy dollar to 25 daddy dollars. Sometimes they spend it all and sometimes they save it up to buy a big ticket item. (And the prices may change at any time!) They all love going to the mommy market. It's exciting every time. They also have some input on what items we put in the mommy market. Sometimes they'll ask for something at the store and I can't just buy every little thing they want, but I can buy it and they can work for it.
I must admit, this system has been better for rewards than for discipline. That's my own fault though because I forget to take them away. I need to get more on top of that. (For those readers that don't know me, my kids range from 1.5 to 8. The youngest doesn't participate in this, but the 3 yr old does and loves it.)
You can make your own daddy dollars here in any denomination or type of money.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Not This Time
Our case worker called this morning and told me what I expected to hear. We did not get the girls. I'm surprisingly not that upset about it. When we first submitted our home study for them I thought about them constantly and didn't sleep well because I was thinking about them. Then, after we got info on another sibling set, my mind was filled with both of them. It's been so nice to be able to pray for these children and to associate a name with a face. But out prayers have been that these children would be blessed with loving parents and a forever home. I am happy to report that these two little girls now have a forever home. I presume that it will be a loving one.
It was almost too good to be true anyway. What are the odds of being licensed in three months and getting an adoptive placement immediately? We also learned through this that our older boys would really like another brother. We wait to see what the Lord has in store for us and we know that His timing is perfect and His plan for our family is perfect. We didn't get these two girls, but they did get a home. That's the point of adoption. It's not about finding kids for families. It's about finding families for kids.
I'm not sure if we will report here each time that we submit and are not chosen. I'm sure I'll have an idea of how long it takes and how many submissions. I'm a little afraid that our family size will deter the case workers, but again, that is all in the Lord's hands.
It was almost too good to be true anyway. What are the odds of being licensed in three months and getting an adoptive placement immediately? We also learned through this that our older boys would really like another brother. We wait to see what the Lord has in store for us and we know that His timing is perfect and His plan for our family is perfect. We didn't get these two girls, but they did get a home. That's the point of adoption. It's not about finding kids for families. It's about finding families for kids.
I'm not sure if we will report here each time that we submit and are not chosen. I'm sure I'll have an idea of how long it takes and how many submissions. I'm a little afraid that our family size will deter the case workers, but again, that is all in the Lord's hands.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
I love our case worker
Have I told you how great our case worker is? And how wonderful it has been working with Buckner? I must admit that I was a little less than excited about being somewhat forced to go with a private agency. (You can read about that in some of my earlier posts.) But now that we are where we are, I couldn't be happier. I know that the private agency case workers end up with a much smaller case load and can give more attention to each family. I had heard that and was afraid of that too. I didn't think that more attention from CPS was a good thing. I was wrong. I love having a case worker that thinks about me, even when I'm not right in front of her. She emails me to tell me things even when I haven't asked. Just today she sent an email to check in with us and to let me know she had sent an email to the little girls' case worker to see what's happening on that case. We both knew that their case worker said she hoped to make a decision by last Friday. As much as I wanted to, I didn't even have to call and bug her about finding out. She did it all on her own. And she let me know! In a time when good customer service is pretty hard to find, I didn't expect to have such a caring and thoughtful case worker. We definitely won the lottery on this one.
She hasn't been doing this for very long. I'm guessing she's early to mid twenties and pretty fresh out of college. She has told us we are the first family that she has gone through the whole process with. She was my first point of contact with Buckner, did our first informational meeting, and all the training classes. I know she's done some of those things with other families, but we are the first family she will see start to finish. I think she's pretty proud of how quickly we've gotten licensed. (That took effort on both parts and of course, God's perfect timing.)
We've also been blessed to connect with the adoption case manager at our local CPS office. He is the one we met at our first CPS informational meeting. We clicked with him right away too and he is actually the one that helped point us in the direction of Buckner. He and his wife adopted through Buckner a few years ago since CPS workers can't adopt directly through CPS. We met back up with him a few weeks ago at the adoption event and enjoyed our visit. Andrew also met with him today as he was doing some paper work to get on the list of adoption attorneys for CPS. What a blessing it has been to work with these two fine, caring, Christian people.
The are also thankful to have met the little girls' case worker. She was very kind and easy to talk to. I hope that meeting her and talking to her face to face was advantageous for us. I've been afraid that having a large family to begin with would be a deterrent to other case workers. A friend pointed out though just how subjective the whole system can be. It's really up to the kids' case workers. If they've had good experiences with big families, they will work in our favor. If they've had bad experiences with big families, they'll scratch us off the list quickly. I hope that they are intrigued enough by our Dear Case worker letter to at least look into us more.
We are still waiting to hear anything. We are trying not to get our hopes up. Our kids are asking and anxious. They are all excited about new siblings. We pray for them daily. We are already a big happy family, but hope to soon be an even bigger happy family.
She hasn't been doing this for very long. I'm guessing she's early to mid twenties and pretty fresh out of college. She has told us we are the first family that she has gone through the whole process with. She was my first point of contact with Buckner, did our first informational meeting, and all the training classes. I know she's done some of those things with other families, but we are the first family she will see start to finish. I think she's pretty proud of how quickly we've gotten licensed. (That took effort on both parts and of course, God's perfect timing.)
We've also been blessed to connect with the adoption case manager at our local CPS office. He is the one we met at our first CPS informational meeting. We clicked with him right away too and he is actually the one that helped point us in the direction of Buckner. He and his wife adopted through Buckner a few years ago since CPS workers can't adopt directly through CPS. We met back up with him a few weeks ago at the adoption event and enjoyed our visit. Andrew also met with him today as he was doing some paper work to get on the list of adoption attorneys for CPS. What a blessing it has been to work with these two fine, caring, Christian people.
The are also thankful to have met the little girls' case worker. She was very kind and easy to talk to. I hope that meeting her and talking to her face to face was advantageous for us. I've been afraid that having a large family to begin with would be a deterrent to other case workers. A friend pointed out though just how subjective the whole system can be. It's really up to the kids' case workers. If they've had good experiences with big families, they will work in our favor. If they've had bad experiences with big families, they'll scratch us off the list quickly. I hope that they are intrigued enough by our Dear Case worker letter to at least look into us more.
We are still waiting to hear anything. We are trying not to get our hopes up. Our kids are asking and anxious. They are all excited about new siblings. We pray for them daily. We are already a big happy family, but hope to soon be an even bigger happy family.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
T-shirts
I'm asking again in case anyone missed this. We are selling t-shirts to raiser awareness for adoption and to help fund some of our adoption related expenses. The pre-order closes on Friday. You can click the link in the comments to order or you can send me a message and I'll take down your info. They're $20 for local pick up and $25 shipped.
The link to the order spread sheet is (https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AkTJTWgNwnvydGhsbTZvQnFJczdzUUxBWkJCVUtlUUE&usp=sharing#gid=0)
Find us on facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ShippAdoption
The link to the order spread sheet is (https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AkTJTWgNwnvydGhsbTZvQnFJczdzUUxBWkJCVUtlUUE&usp=sharing#gid=0)
Find us on facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ShippAdoption
Friday, March 7, 2014
Busy Bee
I'm trying to keep myself busy with projects so that I can keep my mind off the possibilities. Since we've submitted our home study on the two little girls, we have been notified about another adorable sibling group. (I really wish I could share pictures with you all!) Seeing their pictures makes it all very real. I like knowing their names and being able to pray for them specifically, even if they aren't meant to be in our family. In the mean time though, my mind is racing.
In case you don't know this about me, I'm a planner. I want a plan A, B, and C at the very least. I want to know where our potential kids are going to sit in the car, around the table, and at church. I want to plan their birthday parties. I want to think up fun nick names for them. I want to plan our future photo shoots so that one day I can share them with everyone. But I can't. Not only do I not know when or if we will get the call on these little girls. I don't know when we'll get a call on anyone. And if we get a call, I don't know how long it will take or when we will get whomever they are. I can't plan. And it's driving me nuts.
Today I busied myself with a couple of sewing projects for the girls. When I told Andrew that I had fabric for the girls he gave me the look. He suspected I was already sewing for new kids. I wasn't. But that doesn't mean I didn't think about it. And besides, I can always get more and make them matching outfits too!
In case you don't know this about me, I'm a planner. I want a plan A, B, and C at the very least. I want to know where our potential kids are going to sit in the car, around the table, and at church. I want to plan their birthday parties. I want to think up fun nick names for them. I want to plan our future photo shoots so that one day I can share them with everyone. But I can't. Not only do I not know when or if we will get the call on these little girls. I don't know when we'll get a call on anyone. And if we get a call, I don't know how long it will take or when we will get whomever they are. I can't plan. And it's driving me nuts.
Today I busied myself with a couple of sewing projects for the girls. When I told Andrew that I had fabric for the girls he gave me the look. He suspected I was already sewing for new kids. I wasn't. But that doesn't mean I didn't think about it. And besides, I can always get more and make them matching outfits too!
It's comforting knowing that our great God has had our family planned from before time began. I don't know who will be in our family, what they will look like, their age, or gender, or anything. But the Lord knows. And it's a perfect plan.
In the mean time, I'm making lots of lists and crossing many things off. Next up, cleaning out the freezers. I'm making as many plans as I can. I'll probably have a whole alphabet of scenarios figured out before we know anything. And then none of them will work. It's fun to dream though.
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